"Hello and welcome to Shielddawn, the most glorious of all Dwarven Fortresses, where every dwarf is valued and has a purpose and so on and so forth etcetera blah blah blah.

"My name is Enir Buzatasrer, the current Overseer of this hell-hole. Today is the first of Granite, which means I just finished my year-long stint as Overseer and can finally pass this place off to whoever's next in line to be in charge of this toxic dump. I would be doing that right now if I didn't have to process you five, so let's make this quick, alright? Alright."


"Kulet Lokunnomel, and this here is Rimtar Iridmedtob."

"Are you a vampire?"


"Wonderful. Profession?"

"Well now, I'm a nun, and he used to be a weaponsmith, if I recall right."


"Well, welcome to Shielddawn. Here's your complimentary map of the fortress. You can drop your friend off in the catacombs, then make your way to the church on level fifty six."

"Next. Names?"

"Deler Adatith, and my husband Neb Uristdodok, and our son Rovod Datanzust."

"Any of you vampires?"

"Not that we know of."


"Farmers. I'm a wax worker, and Neb here is a beekeeper. That's actually how we met, you see. It's a funny story - "

"All I heard was 'Farmers'."

"Here's your complimentary map. Report down to the farming level for assignment."

"Oh, and take the plump helmet man with you. Make sure you lock him up with the others. We have enough problems already without more of those pests running around."

"Next. Name?"

"Cog Uristsodel, but I'm just here visiting - "

"Are you a vampire?"

"Well, no, but I'm not actually a migrant. I'm just visiting my sister."

" ... "

"You're a mechanic, aren't you?"

"I...yes, but you're not listening, I'm just here visiting - "

"Welcome to Shielddawn, here is your complimentary map. Please report down to the housing district. The sewers backed up and flooded the entire level and we need someone to hook up a drainage hatch. We'd get one of our other Engineers to do it, but they're all busy trying to fix the aqueducts before they overflow and drown the entire upper level again.

"Oh, and try to hurry. It's been a few days now and all the remaining dwarves on that level and the ones below it are going to start starving to death soon."

"Next. Name?"
Losing Is Fun